guy who does nothing but bad things,
and then wonders why his life sucks?
Well, that was me. Every time something good happened to me,
something bad was waiting around the corner.
but then while I was laid up,
I learned about a thing called Karma
from watching Carson Daly.
So, I made a list
of all the rotten things I've done,
and one by one, I'm gonna make up for 'em.
I'm just trying to be a better person.
EARL: After Joy, Darnell and the boys were snatched
by the Witness Protection Program,
me and Randy took advantage of the free rent,
and moved back to the trailer.
I think we should have left the plastic.
You know, so we wouldn't have to get up to go pee.
Like Mom and Dad did with my bed.
Randy, they put that plastic on because you peed the bed,
not so you could pee the bed.
Chicken and the egg, Earl.
Chicken and the egg.
Your mail was finally released from police evidence,
but they still haven't caught that mailbox sniper.
(whispering): It's one of the girls at Club Chubby.
"Happy Presidents' Day,
and congrats again on freeing the slaves."
EARL: It's from our Great Aunt Leela.
Ten years ago, she started thinking Randy was Abe Lincoln.
Now she sends him a gift every Presidents' Day.
Awesome! A Lotto ticket!
Scratchers are fun, 'cause even
if you don't win anything, you still get
to eat all the silver candy you scratched off.
I won!
(whooping) I'm rich!
(whooping)
I'm rich!
(whooping) I'm rich.
(Randy shouts, bicycle bell dings)
(grunts and gasps)
(groaning)
(dog barking)
Randy, are you okay?
Karma hit me, Earl, just like you.
I never should have scratched
that ticket.
(mumbles)
(wind whistling)
I'll be damned.
While Karma was turning Randy's life upside down,
the FBI was doing the same thing
to Joy and Darnell.
Where the hell are you taking us?
Well, thanks to your little stunt,
on the Estrada or Nada, we are now forced
to terminate your identities.
You're no longer Phyllis and Marty Rosenstein.
And we're no longer taking you
to Cincinnati's Little Israel district.
Thank God!
(sighs) The thought of cooking
my first Passover Seder
was giving me all kinds of Shpilkiss.
By the way, I'm big
into slow jams.
Getting chickward just listening to 'em.
Baby, this is serious business.
Look, we're sorry for causing you inconvenience and whatnot,
but my grateful wife and I
are happy to do or be whatever you say. Right, baby?
I have told you.
I want my name to be Goldie Crystal.
I want to live somewhere with skyscrapers
and Cosmopolitans
and gay men who are your best friends.
What is so hard about that?
(door slamming)
Welcome to New York.
This place is a dump.
Goldie Crystal wouldn't live here.
She doesn't.
Your new name's are Lorba and Wilma Grunelbutt.
It's not that bad.
(rattling)
Hey, there's an unexpected perk.
Whenever the train comes through,
we can lay on the floor and get a free massage.
(train whistle blowing)
(shouting): We're gonna be so relaxed!
EARL: While Joy was upset about her new life,
Randy was excited to start his.
Here, Randy.
To make you feel better, I made some Space Beer.
Just don't chug it.
I used the last of the Tang.
No time for Space Beer!
I'm watching Carson Daly
so he can tell me what Karma wants me to do.
So, this whole thing is crazy
with the celebrity baby pictures...
Did I do something to a celebrity?
Or babies? Or a picture?
The money is gigantic for the exclusive...
I've done stuff to pictures, Earl.
Bad stuff.
Okay, this is nuts.
Not everything Carson Daly says is a message from Karma.
Or if it is, it's probably not for you. It's for me.
Oh, so you own Karma?
Look, Carson Daly's on national television.
He's talking to hundreds of people, Earl,
and one of them's me, except when I'm being interrupted.
...controversial comedians working today, as well.
Andrew Dice Clay.
Dice Clay! That's the list item.
I told you Karma was talking to me.
This is where I kept stuff when we lived here.
For a while, it's where I hid
dollar bills, until someone found out
and started replacing them with little green balls of goo.
(metallic clinking)
It's your Andrew Dice Clay belt buckle.
What the hell?
I thought that guy Zeke stole this.
A few years back,
when me and Randy first lived in the trailer park,
and were looking for beer money in our secret hiding place,
we got some new neighbors, Zeke and Arlo Cavanaugh.
(truck doors open, then close)
Welcome to our new home, little brother.
Hi, neighbor.
Nice mustache.
Are you Burt Reynolds' cousin?
No.
You should be.
EARL: I liked Zeke right from the start.
And he didn't just have good taste in mustaches.
He also loved doing crazy things for free T-shirts,
like the ones they gave away
for drinking a glass of Fry-o-Fat at the Crab Shack.
CROWD (chanting): Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
Drink! Drink! Drink...!
(cheering)
Onion ring.
And pretty soon, me and Zeke were best friends.
I just heard they're giving away
I Took A Punch From Yukon Jack T-shirts
down at the gas station. I'm in.
Me, too. Wait.
Let me get Joy's camera.
All right, let's go, buddy.
RANDY: I've always wanted a picture
of me getting punched.
But you don't usually know when it's gonna happen.
(whooping)
EARL: I didn't realize it at the time,
but Randy was getting jealous.
So, he came up with a plan to break up the friendship.
A plan that was brilliant, complicated
and elaborate.
At least for Randy.
He knew Zeke chewed tobacco,
but he just didn't quite know how to do it himself.
And by the next morning, the trap was set.
EARL: What the hell?!
Randy, wake up.
Oh, my God! What'd they steal?!
Someone broke in and stole my Andrew Dice Clay belt buckle.
No!
Look, somebody spit tobacco everywhere
and threw it up
down the front of my shirt.
You know who's going to be really upset
about that belt buckle being gone-- Zeke.
He would chew tobacco
and stare at that belt buckle for hours.
And that night, I was so mad at Zeke,
I decided to get back at him by destroying the memories
we made together, and burned his favorite shirts.
Well, now I have to add Zeke Cavanaugh to my list.
The worst part is, I have no idea how to spell his name.
But it was my fault.
You never would have burned those shirts
if I hadn't tricked you
by stealing your belt buckle and stuff.
You know what, we both did him wrong.
I think we should put him on both our lists. Awesome.
We both got lists, we both get to cross the same guy off,
we both got that Jay Leno gray patch on our pubes.
Sometimes it's just plain good to be a Hickey.
EARL: Me and Randy were making up for the same guy on our list,
and since this was Randy's first time,
I let him take the lead.
(reading): My name is Randy.
His name is Earl.
We are here to cornflake...
Uh, it's a cornflake.
Eventually Randy explained about our lists,
and Zeke invited us in.
Man, I loved those shirts.
You and me did some cool stuff together to get those shirts.
Saw Quiet Riot in concert at the mall.
Signed up for an America West credit card.
Sang "I Got You, Babe," at the Crab Shack
on guys-sing-romantic-songs- to-each-other karaoke night.
You know, the worst thing that happened
wasn't losing all my shirts.
It was that we stopped hanging out.
Oh, my God, that's my real list item.
I need to get you two to hang out
like you used to.
You should go win those shirts again,
and then I'll
cross you off my list
and make that face like you do.
What do you say, Zeke?
I'm in.
I get my cholesterol tested next week.
And if I drink a glass of fryer fat,
my doctor will freak.
Let's see Mr. Harvard
try to figure that one out.
How's it going?
I'm watching my scabs-that-look- like-people collection.
Hell, yes.
Too bad you can't.
Which sucks for you,
'cause I just picked off a Pam Anderson.
Well, then I guess I won't be showing you my mole
that looks like Susan Sarandon.
While Randy was stuck with Arlo,
Joy, Darnell and the boys were stuck somewhere worse.
(traffic noise) Mommy, which side of the sink is the toilet again?
(fire engine siren blaring) Left.
And it didn't help that their place
was directly above a dry cleaner.
(loud hissing)
Take a break already, Lee Ying!
We're dying up here!
Look, baby, I know it's hot,
but on the bright side,
my tank top is virtually wrinkle-free,
and your pores look fantastic.
That's it-- I can't take it anymore.
Listen up, New York!
What are you doing? Playing a hunch.
My real name is Joy Turner.
Baby, no!
My husband is Darnell Turner, AKA Harry Monroe.
(train rumbling) We're in the witness...
(train horn blaring)
...protection.
(door opening)
Damn it! You blew your cover!
Now we'll have to relocate you again.
Good.
How'd y'all get here so fast?
We keep a close eye on things the first week.
How close?
Close enough to know
you're wearing the same thong as yesterday.
Just turned inside out.
So me and Zeke set out to restart our friendship...
CROWD (chanting): Drink, drink...!
...and replacing his trophy T-shirts turned out
to be just the way to do it.
Shrimp.
And lucky for us,
Yukon Jack was out on parole
and back in the punching people for T-shirts business.
We even entered the
"I sang a romantic duet with a dude" challenge
at the Crab Shack, and I got to say
we pretty much crushed it. BOTH: ¶ The time of my life ¶
¶ And I've never felt this way before ¶
¶ Yes, I swear ¶
¶ It's the truth ¶
¶ And I owe it all to you. ¶
A lumberjack camp?
Really?
Remember the accents, eh?
Now, I know you don't like being punished,
but if you think you can play dirty, the FBI can play dirtier.
Trust me, we should quit
while we're ahead.
Ahead?
We live in a pop-up camper with four Canadian dudes
who don't help us with the chores
'cause they're all missing fingers.
I'm sick of cutting their steaks for them.
Oh, no, I'm begging you, don't do this.
Listen up, you human beavers.
My black husband's name is not
Lars Nordvich.
I know, mindblower.
His name is Harry Monroe
and I'm Joy Turner.
All right, let's go.
Oh, thank God.
(sighs)
Which shirt are you getting today?
"I climbed the Camden landfill."
It's going to take a little while
'cause it's 60 feet higher now.
But a lot of that's from the stair factory that collapsed,
so the last part could be easier.
Well, have fun. (car starts)
That's when Randy realized me and Zeke were friends again,
and he could finally cross Zeke off his arm.
Well, almost cross him off.
What the hell...?
Arlo, what'd you do that for?
So Zeke'll think Earl burned his shirts again
and I can get my brother back.
I'm sure that sounded like a good plan in the beginning,
and I've had lots of those,
like when I tried to breed wiener dogs with cats
to make wiener cats.
But you don't get long, skinny cats.
You get one dead cat and a dog with lots of scratches.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is:
your plan is worse than that one.
Well, I wouldn't even need a bad plan if it wasn't for you.
You're the one who got Earl and Zeke
back together again,
and now I'm just alone and miserable.
(chuckling): Wait, I get it.
Oh, you Karma.
You got me. This always happens
to Earl.
He handles one problem only to discover
that another problem is the real list item.
I should have known.
The neediest, most annoying guys are always the real list items.
Karma.
Randy knew that his list item had gotten more complicated.
He just didn't know how to solve it.
Okay, we both had three beers each.
We should be able to finally think now.
What could Karma want me to do for you?
Do you know you have a scar that looks
just like Pamela Anderson?
I'm gonna go get my camera.
I understand you being jealous.
I used to get jealous, too.
It's hard when your brother makes a new friend
and stops spending time with you.
To be truthful,
Zeke has never spent that much time with me,
except when Mom would lock us in the closet
so she could go out to drink,
but I wish we were more like you and Earl.
Earl loves to hang out with you.
He didn't always like hanging out with me.
It was only four years ago
that we started sleeping in the same bed.
We had to work up to it.
I had to become the best little brother ever.
I think I'm a pretty good little brother. Excuse me,
but you're annoying and boring and you smell like onions.
Don't get me wrong, I like onions,
but a lot of people don't.
But now at least I know how I can help you.
RANDY: Big brothers like to think they're the funny ones,
so it's important to laugh at all their jokes...
(passing horn honking)
Hey, Randy.
What happens when two snails get into a fight?
They slug it out.
(laughs)
Slug it out-- that's a good one.
...no matter how unfunny they are.
And it's important to take care of your big brother
when he doesn't groom himself.
(exhales)
And you need to put yourself in situations
where your big brother can be the hero.
Nice dumper, baby girl.
What the hell did you say?
Uh-oh. Earl, Earl, I thought this dude was a lady
on account of his girly butt, and now I'm in danger.
Tough guy, huh?
Now, if you mess with Randy here,
I'm gonna tell you what's gonna happen to you.
(whispering inaudibly)
Yeah! Yeah!
So back off, and P.S., your butt wasn't that good anyway.
That's all you got to do--
pick up the slack on your little-brother duties.
You're right.
Help me practice my fake laugh.
Here's what I've got right now.
(loud chuckling)
No, no, God, no.
No, no, no, no.
You got to start with surprise
and then let it
chuckle itself out.
Oh!
(laughing)
(continues laughing)
(laughter diminishes slowly)
Ah...
Wow.
EARL: So while Randy had taught Arlo
some lessons about being a brother,
the FBI were about to teach Joy
some lessons about opening her mouth.
So... we're Eskimos now?
Actually, your people prefer to be called Inuits.
Go ahead, try to out yourself in this place.
I'm sure the caribou would be most intrigued.
And, uh, stay warm.
Oh, my God.
The FBI might've been better at playing dirty,
but there was one thing Joy was better at than anyone:
knowing how to have an affair and recognizing
the clues of an affair when she saw one.
She knew if Luther Vandross was a-rockin',
you don't come a-knockin'.
And how easy it is to lose an earring
when your own knee keeps banging against it.
And how your necktie can get a little crooked when
you use it to tie a woman to a bedpost.
You and Agent Scoley have been boning.
Talk about the X Files.
More like Triple-X Files.
Kablam!
Are we gonna
figure out a new place for me to live,
or do we need to involve supervisors and spouses?
Were you thinking of something in split-level
or ranch-style?
And just like that,
Joy had blackmailed the FBI
into making her dreams come true.
Palm trees...
real grass...
and you can't hear the sizzle of power lines.
(voice breaking): Goldie Crystal is finally home.
Things were falling into place for Joy and her family, but...
things were falling apart back at the trailer park.
Wasn't Randy-- he knows he can't play
with matches unless I'm home.
Well, then, who was it, then? Zeke,
I... I-I did it.
It was me.
But you said you weren't jealous anymore.
I'm not jealous.
I'm just sick of having to hang around
with this loser,
B.O factory, three-balled jackass
from the state of Douche-achusetts .
Dude, that's not even a state.
Shut up!
(quietly): This is your chance.
Be the little brother that needs protecting.
(loudly): What are you gonna do?
Cry? Or run home and smell your own B.O.?
Hey, come on! Leave me alone!
No!
Leave me alone! No!
ZEKE: Leave him alone!
Leave my brother alone.
You're the one who's acting
like you're from Douche-achusetts!
Oh, yeah? Well, you're acting like the mayor
of Ass-ylvania!
You're gonna stick up for him after he burned my shirts?
What about your precious list? If I have to choose
between a list and my brother,
my brother's gonna win every time.
Yeah? Well, if I got to choose between a friend and my brother,
then my brother's gonna win every time!
Come on, Arlo!
I actually didn't mind seeing Zeke
leave me for Arlo,
'cause I'm the one that
pushed them together.
You know, next time we should bring Randy and Arlo.
I want to see them take a shot at "Endless Love."
Yeah, I don't know.
Arlo and I don't really hang out that much.
We just don't click like you and Randy.
You guys are like Venus and Serena Williams,
you know?
No. I-I know one of those is a planet,
but I don't know who that other dude is.
Anyway,
two brothers clicking doesn't just happen.
If you want a good little brother
you got to be a good big brother.
I explained to Zeke that little brothers like jokes,
so I make sure I always have lots of good ones.
(passing horn honking) to tell Randy.
Hey, Randy!
What happens
when two snails get into a fight?
They slug it out.
(laughing)
You also need to make little brothers feel important.
Act like you need their help with stuff.
¶ I'm not waiting on my lady... ¶
And you should always protect your little brother
when he gets into dangerous situations.
Nice dumper, baby girl.
What the hell did you say? EARL: Tough guy, huh?
Well, if you mess with Randy here,
I'm gonna tell you what's gonna happen to you.
(quietly): Please don't hurt him-- I'm very afraid of you.
I'll give you 20 bucks to leave us alone.
$30 if you act a little scared.
¶ ¶
You do these things, Arlo will change, I promise.
Like a caterpillar into a butterfly.
Maybe something less girly.
Like a Transformer car into a Transformer robot.
I like Transformers.
So I'm gonna take your advice on this.
I'm just sick of having to hang out with this loser,
B.O. factory, three-balled jackass
from the state of Douche-achusetts.
Dude, that's not even a state.
Now is your chance.
Go protect your little brother.
ARLO: Leave me alone!
No! Leave him alone! Huh?
So Zeke got all protector-ish, and I got all protector-ish.
It was a good show.
Come on, Arlo!
And it all worked out.
RANDY: And Earl and Zeke never had a clue we'd set 'em up.
(sighs)
Sorry for making you lose your friend again.
That's okay.
Maybe Zeke and Arlo were the ones meant to be friends.
Hmm. Maybe you're right.
Hey, Lotto's back.
Hm.
You know what, buddy?
That eyebrow raise is... kind of my thing.
That's cool.
Hey, Randy, one time this pirate walks into a bar.
He's got the ship's steering wheel attached to the crotch of his pants.
Bartender says, "Hey, pirate,
you got a steering wheel coming out of your pants."
And the pirate nods and says,
"Arrgh! It's driving me nuts!"
(laughing loudly)
That one was actually funny!
(continues laughing) Wha-What do you mean, "actually"?
Huh?